Maybe deep down I know, that love never lasts.

Well darling, you are, the only exception.

I wish I had a normal mindset on the whole love/relationship thing. Truth is, I probably can't have a healthy relationship to save my life anymore. About 2.5 years ago I had a great relationship going. But I fucked it up. I let him go. He had begged and pleaded for me to change my mind but I was so set on ending it. Sadly since about 3 months after it all happened, I've regretted it. He now is in a relationship. Whether he is happy or not, I do not know. I hope he is but then again part of me hopes he's not and that if I were to hang out with him we would end up back together. He was my first love. To this day I still love him and it is hurting every relationship I try to have with a guy.

I have a friend that is awesome. He is funny, and sweet with slight sarcasm. Which I love. I enjoy his company and just hanging out. But every time I think I'm ready to be with him something changes my mind and holds me back. I just cannot bring myself to have a relationship with him. I don't know what it is but I just can't. I don't know if it's that I just don't want to hurt him (cause I'm like 75% sure I will) or if that he's just fully not my type.

I think maybe I just have this mindset of who I want to be with and am afraid to jump out of that. I have this thought of who I fit with and what I like and want. For example, I have a friend who is a couple years younger than me who fits that thought perfectly. Problem is, we can't be together and I know that. He's too out of control and always getting in trouble. So we have this friends with benefits kind of thing that happens. He came to see me the other night just to say "Hey". It was nice that he did that cause I miss talking to him and seeing him. But it would never work out between us.

Oh wow, I'm rambling.

/rant.

And It's Been A While...

Wow. It's been far too long since I posted. 2 Months! A lot has happened!

Let's see. I had a part time job for a while. That's probably why I haven't been posting. I was working at Spirit Halloween. It was such a fun job. I'm sad it's over. I met awesome people and made good friends. I knew one of the managers previously. That made things fun and uhh interesting.. I won't get into detail haha. I hope to keep in some sort of touch with most of the people I met. We'll see how that goes...

Next... I moved back home with my mother. Yeah.. Ugh. Not sure how I feel about it. I don't hate living with her it's just I have no space. She is always like, "What are you doing?", Where are you going?", "When are you doing this and this and that?" etc.. I cannot stand that. So, we are going to take it day by day. I may need to talk to her and tell her that she needs to not asking 38191 questions all the time.

On Wednesday I turned 21, finally. I know! The Big 2-1. It's not all that it's cracked up to be for me. I don't drink a whole lot, like I use to. It's nice cause now when I do go out occasionally, I don't have to worry about whether or not they will serve me cause I'm underage. Friday I went out to eat with my mom at Uno's. We sat at the bar and had some appetizers and a beer. Then we went to The Schuyler Tavern. I was really tired and not feeling well so I only stayed out for about an hour. I was home by 10:30 PM. Strange for a 21 year old, right? Oh well.

Remember that last post? About how relationships suck and yadda yadda yadda..? Well.. Things may be looking up. I recently started hanging out with this kid. He's really sweet but has his sarcastic side which I like. He keeps me laughing too. One interesting fact... I work with his mother. Which means I know a lot that goes on. But I know he was brought up in a good home with a good family. Even though he's been through a lot of hard ships. I'm willing to help him through all of it. He's too cute. He always kisses my cheek or my temple. It's cute. I enjoy his company. We'll see how this plays out...

But I'm off to go and pick him up and hangout.

And It Had To Happen Eventually...

So I'm in one of those moods. So I guess I'll update.

Well, things are going okay I suppose. Okay I take it back. Things ARE going well. Except for maybe one aspect of my life. Which never seems to go well. I really shouldn't get down about it but I'm a girl and it's what we do. Yes, that's right, relationships. Not even necessarily a relationship. Just having someone there that you enjoying being around. Someone that "gets" you. Someone that you turn to for anything. Someone that isn't going to let you down. Lately I've been finding these guys that seem amazing in the beginning. And then a week or so later, everything changes. We stop talking or something happens. I don't know. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and that's why we don't talk. I mean, I'm the type of girl that will do damn near anything to make someone happy. Hell, just a week or two ago, I drove an hour and half away just to see someone and hang out. That's the farthest I've driven to do that. And let me tell you, it will NOT happen again. I'm sick of being the girl that puts herself out there only to be let down repetitively. They guys seem to know how to sweet talk a girl and then shit changes as soon as you hang out with a person. I'm sick of it. I want consistency. Someone that is going to be sweet throughout a relationship or what-have-you. Now I'm not asking for Prince Charming. I just want someone to enjoy doing "the little things". You know, a text Good Morning or Goodnight. I don't ask for much. Really. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy. Just knowing you care is enough for me. I just don't understand why that seems like SO much to ask for. I really don't think it is. And now, I'm kicking myself for driving an 1.5 hours west of my town just to see someone. But again, that's me. If someone seems worth it, I will do it. And he did. But I guess I was wrong. Again. I really don't know what goes wrong. I guess I'll just have to wait this one out. Stop looking. Enjoy my times with friends and that's it.

End rant.

I apologize to anyone that just read that.

Actually. No. I'm not gonna. I posted it. You didn't have to read it if you didn't want to. So, enjoy.

:) Nothing In The World Is Accomplished Without Passion -HM

She could take your life with one good kiss.

This is going to be a quick one because I'm getting ready to go out. But I figured whilst I wait for the bathroom, I might as well blog.

Yesterday was a great day. Work went by really quick. I sat down maybe twice the whole day. After work I went to Mojo'z (against my better judgement. I'm a Domenico's girl) to see one of my ex-boyfriends/friend, Tim, play a show. I hadn't seen Tim in a really long time sadly. It was so nice seeing him and catching up. We have had this weird relationship where we will talk and hang out and then date and then break up and then start that cycle over again. It's odd. I missed him and am really looking forward to maintaining a friendship with him. We are going to try our hardest this time. He played an awesome set. New and old songs. After that I stopped by a friend's party to hang out. Well, that's always an interesting time. But I won't go into detail there. Too much complication in that.

Today was nice. Work was really slow and boring but I didn't mind that too much. Except for the fact that my ADD was kicking in, hardcore. I tried to find little things to keep me busy though. Oh well. Now I am sitting here, towel on my head waiting to get in the bathroom to attempt to do something with my hair. Tonight should be good. I love going to a friend's house just to chill and play cards. It shall be fun.

Love my friends <3

Everyone has a first.

This just happens to be the first time I blog in a long time and actually really try to stick to it. I've had so much go on in the last few months of my life.

Since moving into my apartment 6 months ago, things have been fun. Tough, but fun. Expenses are higher which means I've started to budget. My ex would be so proud. Haha. I love my roommates to death. I've known one for about 5 years now. The other I met the day we moved in and I love her. Except, she's moving out :(. We gained another roommate though. Bad part? It's a guy. Now, we've know him for a while and he is one of our friends. But, this shall be weird. We are definitely laying down a few or more (okay, a lot) of rules. He'll have that waiting in his room when he moves in :). He'll be moving in on Sunday, I believe. I'll keep y'all updated on that.

Work. Where to start? I just started a new job in April a medical center. I obtained the occupation of Medical Assistant aka a nurse, basically. I love what I do. I love being able to help people. It makes me happy. I love the two offices I work in: Neurology and Urology. It keeps things interesting and the people I work with keep things entertaining. Love them <3.>

Another thing on my list, keeping in shape. I've been eating somewhat healthier. And within the next week or so, I plan to start jogging with my roommate. It's one of our goals since now it is nice enough weather to do so. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I need to work out. But honestly, I am quite out of shape. You wouldn't tell by looking at me, but I am. I get winded so easily. And it wouldn't be bad to gain a little muscle here and there :). I just want something to boost my self-confidence up more than it already is. Wish me luck.

Alright well, I think I'm headed to sit on the porch with my love Angelica, and enjoying the nice Autumn night we are having.

...Tell someone your story. Someone out there is willing to listen.