I wish I had a normal mindset on the whole love/relationship thing. Truth is, I probably can't have a healthy relationship to save my life anymore. About 2.5 years ago I had a great relationship going. But I fucked it up. I let him go. He had begged and pleaded for me to change my mind but I was so set on ending it. Sadly since about 3 months after it all happened, I've regretted it. He now is in a relationship. Whether he is happy or not, I do not know. I hope he is but then again part of me hopes he's not and that if I were to hang out with him we would end up back together. He was my first love. To this day I still love him and it is hurting every relationship I try to have with a guy.
I have a friend that is awesome. He is funny, and sweet with slight sarcasm. Which I love. I enjoy his company and just hanging out. But every time I think I'm ready to be with him something changes my mind and holds me back. I just cannot bring myself to have a relationship with him. I don't know what it is but I just can't. I don't know if it's that I just don't want to hurt him (cause I'm like 75% sure I will) or if that he's just fully not my type.
I think maybe I just have this mindset of who I want to be with and am afraid to jump out of that. I have this thought of who I fit with and what I like and want. For example, I have a friend who is a couple years younger than me who fits that thought perfectly. Problem is, we can't be together and I know that. He's too out of control and always getting in trouble. So we have this friends with benefits kind of thing that happens. He came to see me the other night just to say "Hey". It was nice that he did that cause I miss talking to him and seeing him. But it would never work out between us.
Oh wow, I'm rambling.
/rant.
